@KimmyMonte

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

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@FreudsTwin

Mad scientist- Checks for Labs
Bartender- Checks for Tabs
Boxer- Checks for Jabs
Uber- Checks for Cabs
Your back – Checks for Stabs

@orny_xo

This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.

@_little_old_me

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

@sploosk

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

@D_Ciphered

Heaven are the mornings I wake with your head on my chest. The new day’s dawn peeking through the window as you look up at me and say those three little words…

“Brush your teeth!”

@NotKarma

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

@WeedlordKrillin

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D

ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

@Slims_Ramblings

Just listened to a conversation between 3 people under 18 and now I don’t know how my Mom or a stranger didn’t murder me as a teenager.

@Manda_like_wine

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”