*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
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CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Tonight we dine in hell!
(Dies in battle)
Hi, Take a seat in the booth with the 3 vegans. Your beets and kale will be out soon.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My son just explained how he wants to make a necklace out of my hair which is totally normal & doesn’t at all concern & terrify me.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
*Swirls and sniffs glass
Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity
Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty
Perhaps Charles Manson is a selfless lover.
YOU don’t know.