“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

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Mad scientist- Checks for Labs
Bartender- Checks for Tabs
Boxer- Checks for Jabs
Uber- Checks for Cabs
Your back – Checks for Stabs


This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.


My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.


my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid


Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”


Heaven are the mornings I wake with your head on my chest. The new day’s dawn peeking through the window as you look up at me and say those three little words…

“Brush your teeth!”


Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.


Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s



Just listened to a conversation between 3 people under 18 and now I don’t know how my Mom or a stranger didn’t murder me as a teenager.


My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”