“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.


The road to Hell was paved with good intentions, but my flower girl did a lovely job with the petals, too.


[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.


[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe


A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.


How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?


Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.


Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.


bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]


I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.