“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
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Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.