@KimmyMonte

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

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@texasstalkermom

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

@MiddlingMs

The road to Hell was paved with good intentions, but my flower girl did a lovely job with the petals, too.

@BoomBoomBetty

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

@Buffalojilll

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

@UberFacts

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

@chrisdowning

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

@gorrdano

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

@ceejoyner

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

@EJGomez

bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]

@ddsmidt

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.