“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
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Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
We need more people like this.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…