Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

sliding into dms like

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.