Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

not to brag, but mine was free

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?