It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
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This rocks
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please