it is time once again
You Might Also Like
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
How actors in movies eat their food
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”