it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.