Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

I might carry a baby with one hand.

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.