it is time once again
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Battery falling down a hole
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real