it is time once again
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Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?