It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
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Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.