Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

Science memes

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.