It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
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“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”