Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.