It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
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There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.