Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.