It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
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‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME