Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.