It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
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*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
is this how new cars are made??
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.