Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

Stop

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

Stop it! 😂

the battle rages on

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”