It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
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Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Britain be like
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Poetry is my passion
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Creative Problem Solving
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds