It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
You Might Also Like
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
For real 🤣
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
#Caturday
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
absolute chaos
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
🙂🐾
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday