It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
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Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
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