Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband: