It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
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With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos