It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
buying dead houseplants to save time
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
