It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?