It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
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We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Basketball games are very squeaky.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.