It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
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”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
What kind of a cult is this?
We need it on priority
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”