Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do horses think humans are hats

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

sign of the times 🖊

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it