It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
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[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”