Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

Danger is very dangerous

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this