It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes