It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
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toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
@funTweeters
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Just organising my finances.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
