It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
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calling in to work dehydrated
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
All. The. Damn. Time.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?