It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
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If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Them: Can you explain this gap in your resume?
Me: that was just a pause for dramatic effect.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence