It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
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Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Ugh but profoundly
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you