It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
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ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email