It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Seductively sings in Klingon.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird