it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Born to be mild.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
