it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
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Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
But that’s none of my business
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next