It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
You Might Also Like
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
