It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..