Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eat…

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.