It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
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A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Teach your children to beatbox
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.