Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.