it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
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Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?