Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

Ugh

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.