it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
You Might Also Like
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.