It kinda feels like this rn
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts