It kinda feels like this rn
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My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
This sounds bad:
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.