It kinda feels like this rn
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If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.