It kinda feels like this rn
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My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?