it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
You Might Also Like
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move