it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
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observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
#NeverForget
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band