Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

No one can handle that

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

My what?

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?