Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year