It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.