Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Birds & Planes.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

the three branches of government

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here