It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
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The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
the official breakfast of 2021
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what