Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit