Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

Legend 🤣🤣

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

No chill.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

what the

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.