Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.