It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
You Might Also Like
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
#catsoftwitter
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food