Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls literally only want one thing..

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

handsome & gretel

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.