Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

This is the best one I’ve seen

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.