it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
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all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
This is a bad sign
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.