it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
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an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Hank is one in a melon.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
💀
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.