It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Finally!
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”