It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
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The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.