Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

*updates tinder bio*