Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey

Leonardo DiCaprisun

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

I am yelling

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.