It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
💀 😭
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house