Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.