It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
You Might Also Like
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
blocked.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift