Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

Storm Tropical Storm

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

My first child will be named New Folder.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.