It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
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the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex