It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
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serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I think this might be relevant today.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.