It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
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I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
This is true.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!