It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
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Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
So, can we agree on 4 or
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.