It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
You Might Also Like
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*