it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
That’s commitment
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.