Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.