it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
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Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…