@billwurtz

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

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@_SetTheHook_

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

@TheAlexNevil

Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.

@monicaheisey

“the uk couldn’t POSSIBLY leave”

“trump couldn’t POSSIBLY be president”

“we couldn’t POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity”

@AndyAsAdjective

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

@causticbob

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

@GrantTanaka

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

@avainwordland

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

@mdob11

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

@elle91

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.