it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

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Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.


Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.


“the uk couldn’t POSSIBLY leave”

“trump couldn’t POSSIBLY be president”

“we couldn’t POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity”


Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”


I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…


*pulls handle on slot machine
*diarrhea comes out


[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?


‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.


Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.