it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
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Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.