“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
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Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently