@Brianhopecomedy

It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.

It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.

- @Brianhopecomedy

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@Jake_Vig

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

@gianni_bcn

*Dies and goes toward the light*

Light: “I have a boyfriend”

@markleggett

Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

@AndyAsAdjective

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

@PleaseBeGneiss

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@ArfMeasures

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

@handsock_butts

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?