@Brianhopecomedy

It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.

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@Silver_nmm

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

@Thedudish

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

@mymumps

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

@sarah_edo

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

@Kalamwali_Bai

Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?

@SamSkoronski

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

@ScarletStoner

I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.

@Sassafrantz

Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I’ve had in 2015.

@trojansauce

[rap battle]

*drops the mic*

*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*

[20min earlier]

*other guy covering my mic in butter*